-- International Agreement for the Suppression of -- signed by Edward VII and 13 other countries in May of 1904, the agreement a step towards grappling with the growing problem of prostitution, since pre-existing laws suppressing women's rights and the power to vote, own property or do business, not to mention the hobbling and constricting fashion trends had failed to have the desired effect.  The United States followed suit in 1910 with the Mann Act, which among other things prohibited the transport of a female across state lines for immoral purposes, a seemingly dubious and unenforceable law used for other purposes and to other ends but recently once again in the news.  Thank you, Governor Spitzer.

Let's get a few things straight, no pun intended.



This is Carla Bruni, current girlfriend of the President of France.  Note that when an American president feels frisky, what we end up with is a chubby girl in an off-the-rack dress from the Gap.

What is the attraction, you may ask again, in risking impeachment?  More currently, what do you get for fifty-five hundred dollars and a possible felony rap?  

First of all, let's drop the specious argument that the Governor of New York and former Governor of New Jersey have anything in common, beyond the whole whoo-hoo-look-at-me-I'm-a-powerful-dude-in-charge-of-a-whole-state thing.  I can't count the number of times I've had to explain that being secretly gay and transporting a woman over state lines for sex are two completely unrelated matters.  World of difference, people.  One is all about shame and the other is -- well, I don't know what the other is about to be perfectly honest, beyond the stupid part, that is.  I've hung out with guys who give strippers money and pay too much for bottles of champagne and watch women hug poles and in certain clubs in London, for instance, you can easily drop a small fortune on very pretty girls and end up not getting any, if you know what I mean.  And I say to these guys, dude, what's up with throwing money away on nothing but maybe a quick lap dance and no release?  And they just laugh because they have more money than I will ever have or know what to do with.  

Oh, yes, of course, I am fully aware that you can also be gay and hire hookers, it happens upon occasion, but that's not really what we're talking about and if we were then trust me, the most I've ever spent is three hundred bucks and an hour later I was the happiest guy on the planet; for the life of me I cannot imagine what more there could possibly be that would set me back an additional fifty-two hundred.  Unless it's the down payment on the Ferarri he asked me for afterward or that new Louis Vuitton Bequia leather briefcase from the spring collection he really really wanted and as, like, you know, a token of appreciation for that hour of bliss, but this is when my cellphone rings and I gotta jump, if you know what I'm saying.

And don't tell me I'm forgetting the Governor's wives -- I saw Larry King last night, and I've certainly heard the expression "stand by your man" often enough lately, (words written by, ordered by, inspired by, promoted by a man) in reference to another wife in the political limelight whose husband wandered and misbehaved in a certain oval office.  As for the one married to Mr. Wide Stance, don't even get me started.  But don't think I'm being calloused or that I'm pushing some Gay Agenda or Seeking to Destroy the American Family.  These women all willingly married these men ("deceitful and lying men" would be redundant) because other Men running an organization dominated by Men which excludes and demeans women and is dedicated to the worship of a Supreme Old White Bearded Man in the Sky told them they should, and then told them No Matter What Happens to Cleave unto these Men and Stand By these Men and wither He goest and no matter what...    And I'm the one you want to blame because this system doesn't work?  Ladies, do what you want.  I rest my case.

Anyway, if you really want to fix the problem then I say we send someone in the State Department -- heaven only knows they're not busy doing anything else important -- so come on, let's send someone to France (no not England, trust me) and on our behalf have him/her throw him/herself on their mercy and ask them how they do it?  I mean, LOOK at this beautiful lady dating the President of France, people.  Hello?  She didn't come out of a Cracker Jack box; she's not waiting for you to put more money in your PayPal account so she can hop an Amtrac shuttle and meet you at the Mayflower, Client 9.  That's no Lane Bryant Happy-Hefty Gap dress she's got on.

I'm sorry to be the one to say it, but we're doing something terribly wrong in this country.  I can't put my finger on it, but there has to be a better way.  Seriously.  Treat your wives with dignity.  Be a good dad.  Make a respectable settlement and then go do whatever the hell it is you want, I certainly don't care, but for heaven's sake, have some class about it.  Have some style. 

Check out President Sarkozy and girlfriend on a trip to Egypt (talk about crossing state lines):

 That's what I'm talking about.  Eat your heart out, Client 9.

You too, Eliot.

You too, Bill.  Oh, and hey, thanks for Don't Ask Don't Tell.  That worked out really well.