"Star" 
                                                                                                                                             Photo and Copyright: Bianca Dorso

You are reading a spiritual memoir of a young American in India and you get to the part where he is walking down the road and attacked by a savage demon with several heads.  They wrestle and the young American is nearly killed.  He writes that he has the scars to prove it.  And you think, really.  This is a sign of spiritual advancement?  This is not just what comes from getting high and dropping acid in a foreign country?  Really? 

I don't know about you, but I was drawn to a spiritual practice for purely practical reasons.  I thought, quite frankly, that it might make me feel better.  I was not looking for magic or vicious demons.  I just wanted to try and get comfortable.  As a matter of fact, my own personal theory is that all most people want to do is get comfortable, which admittedly involves a myriad of some very simple and also very complex solutions and experiments and since what one means by  "comfortable" is open to wide interpretation, one inevitably sees many interesting variations, not only in the pursuit of material as well as spirtual gain but in the vast array of religious, socio-political and yes even sexual practices and, well, whatever knocks you out, as they say.  The good news is that for the most part what I have managed to attain for myself is an inconsistent but not insignificant amount of peace of mind.  Enough, that is, to get me through most days without sustaining too many obvious scars.  Or life-threatening injuries.  Or permanent damage to my person or to my fellows.  Or so I hope.

The bad news is that I did not count on the possibility of getting more comfortable and also intensely less comfortable as well, not necessarily at the same time but one might say in alternating doses, and even occasionally in rapid succession.  I suppose "Hills and Valley" begins to describe it.   What I'm trying to say, however, is that as I get deeper -- or if you prefer, as I get more used to paying attention and concentrating -- what happens can be pretty odd. 

Don't get me wrong, I have plenty of friends who happen to know for certain that we are nothing but swirling atoms in a meaningless cosmic soup, and they are deeply skeptical (if not contemptuous) of anyone who aspires to anything more.  Why can't you just relax and behave? is their attitude.  And I think they have a point.  It's just that sometimes it's easier said than done.

And no, I'm not claiming to have been attacked by creatures from another realm.  Not exactly and nothing quite so grand at any rate.  But I have come to realize there is a whole lot more going on than I used to think.  Seriously.  And I am someone who's always had a whole lot of faith in the way things appear to be.  I have invested a great deal of time and effort into the way the world looks.  Or the way it is supposed to look, at any rate. 

But lately things have gotten odd.  Without trying to be an alarmist, I must tell you that instead of getting blissed out I've been getting freaked out.  If I tried to give you specifics, of course, you would just roll your eyes.  But it isn't all that unbelievable.  And might I just add for the record here that 1904 also refers to a great spiritual revival movement.  In the Welsh Church, that is.  And although I know there are Christians who would argue fairly vehemently that the 1904 Welsh Revival, being a Christian spiritual movement, has nothing whatsoever in common with my own little heretical and godforsaken dabbling, may I just point out that the obituary of Evan John Roberts (1878 - 1951), a leading minister in the Revival, reads:

"He was a man who had experienced strange things."

He also, "endured strains and underwent great changes of opinion and outlook, but his religious convictions remained firm to the end."  Which I take to mean, he stuck with it, and good for him.  At the risk of offending members of the One True Church, might I gently suggest that there might be more than one path to the mountain top.  He took his.  Some of us have chosen another.  Guess we'll see who makes it to the top.  Or not.   

In any case and in the meantime, surely some kind of passing respect for things unseen can't hurt.  "I got one of those stars," Bianca said to me a while ago.  "The kind people used to put on their barns to ward off evil spirits."  That's what I'm talking about.  Something decorative that might have some power and be useful too, how bad could that be?  Like doing Yoga.  It's good for you and things look better afterward and maybe it really does awaken the energy coiled like a snake at the base of your spine, and if so, hey, wow.

Okay, I might have imagined at the beginning that I would get quiet and look within and it would feel like being stoned but without the harmful side effects. I admit I was rather looking forward to that.  What I did not expect was to be caught off guard.  I was certainly not counting on the process being unpleasant.  I was not planning on pain.  

I'll just leave it at that.  I've experienced some strange stuff lately. Really.  The plan now is to try and lean into it, into whatever it is that is happening, whatever it is that comes along, because maybe if I can stay with it long enough, even if it's distracting or surprising or unpleasant and provided it doesn't end up hurting too much -- if I can hang in there, I may be able to get to another place.  Possibly to a deeper peace, or a more profound connection with what really is.  Or a better understanding of what it means to be comfortable in this world.  That's the idea at any rate.  I'll keep you posted.